When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.