“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.