Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”