if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
work smarter, not harder
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.