[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Breaking news:
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I think we should hear other voices.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it