*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
You Might Also Like
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.