Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Try and stop me.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.