Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.