where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
January is lasting longer than my marriage
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?