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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
DOOO EEEET
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Sooo many times…..
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
What is going on? 😅
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Received some very disappointing news today
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.