Good morning, Twitter x
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”