Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
A woman drives into a bar.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok