Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
A man of commitment.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …