The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.