(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
How high do the levels go?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune