My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
This came to me in a dream.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
How about daylight saves us for once
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*