when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.