OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch