My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
channeling her this year
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My patience has stretch marks.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone