Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark