Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I love you…
…r dog.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.