Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
That was easy.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.