I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?