Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg