i could never be president. im overqualified.
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.