me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.