When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.