PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”