thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon