“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?