The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*