Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.