FRED: right
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Just a reminder, folks:
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.