Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on