If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?