“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.