Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE