Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Bike for sale
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.