wait.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.