me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to