Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?