Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
A classic…
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will