I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉