I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable