It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.