Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
You Might Also Like
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)