Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!