My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?