I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!