Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Yes
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.